The Amazing Adventures of Supergod!
by Burt Goodman Master Theologian
Summary: A chapter-by-chapter retelling of the first five books of the Bible from the hands of Master Theologian, Burt Goodman. It's The Amazing Adventures of Supergod! The World's Finest Bible! Thrills! Fun! Excitement! AND MORE! Note this is a parody and may be hurtful to the devoutly religious. Please avoid reading if this is the case for you.
1. Chapter 1

**The Amazing Adventures of Supergod!**  
 **The World's Finest Bible!**  
 **From the hands of master theologian Burt A. Goodman**  
 **Introduction**

Welcome to _The Amazing Adventures of Supergod!_ I'm Burt Goodman and I'm here to change your life _._ This is a completely new version of the first five books of the Christian Bible, chapter by chapter. It spans from the beginning of time to the trials of the prophet Moses. I promise it's much funnier than the original. This is the greatest story ever told like you've never heard it before!

This idea came to me as I pored over ancient manuscripts in the hidden temples of Everest. Having mastered every dead language, I felt I was perfectly suited to the task. Contrary to what you might be told from the Church, there were once many versions of the Bible. I felt it was my duty to examine them all. I sequestered myself in a cave below the Spirits' Temple and began. As I sat there reading these forbidden texts, hunched over my fire to shield myself from the snow, I heard a voice. I do not know if it was "God" as understood by the Judaeo-Christian hegemony but I know it was Truth. This is not my work. These words are straight from a higher power.

I am often accused by right wing hate-preachers of speaking with the voice of Satan. The general public's lack of education in the field of theology means that they are often claiming my stories do not occur in the canonical Bible. Readers will be surprised to learn how closely this follows the canon. Here are some of the types of questions (with answers) that I am forced to address every day.

"Does the Bible really say not to build altars with stairs in case people see up the priests' robes!?"

Yup. Right after the ten commandments, no less. Not bad advice if you ask me.

"Do people in the Book of Genesis really swear oaths by placing their hands on the thigh, near the testicles?"

According to some translations it's on the testicles themselves!

"What's with God and quails?"

Nobody knows His mind.

"Does God really protect the Tree of Life with cherubs and a flaming sword?"

Well, how else would He do it?

"Does Noah actually curse an entire nation to slavery because his son saw him naked and laughed?"

Yup. Maybe there is some backstory? This version gives it a tiny bit more context.

"What's with the detailed and bloody ritual required for cleaning a house of a mildew infestation?"

Ask God, not me!

"Does Jacob really beat God in a fight?"

Yes! In fact that's where the name Israel comes from. Israel translates to "God contended."

"Does it really detail the divvying up of captured virgins, with the head priest getting thirty-two thousand for himself?"

Yeah… It's a violent book, okay? This version addresses these issues better, but they are not hidden.

"Does Lot seriously offer his virgin daughters to an angry mob who are harassing God's angels?"

He does…

"And does it involve descriptions for a magic potion that makes adulterous women infertile?"

It's even worse in some translations… Are you done with the bad stuff?

"Okay, okay, back to the fun bits. Does Joseph really have a divination cup that lets him see the future but not change it?"

Well… The Bible mentions a divination cup, but we aren't told what it does… This is a nice example of my version adding a bit of flavor, okay?

"Is there really a conspiracy of other gods to destroy God?"

Um—

"Including the vampire queen Asherah, the fire toad Molech and the lion with three horse heads Chemosh?"

I… I mean, the Old Testament makes many references to the possible existence of other supernatural beings… Many scholars think parts of it were written before monotheism took over and, um, it mentions what gods _not_ to worship, like Asherah, though she was more of a consort to God and not a vampire queen, and… Okay, you got me!

I exaggerated. That's my job as Master Theologian. I read the Bible so you don't have to. You won't find any repetitions, tedious lists, or any of the Bible's four hundred (!) uses of the phrase "it came to pass." If you are looking for a quick and easy way to check whether what I've written is in the original I recommend either the Skeptic's Annotated Bible (SAB) or the Common English Version (CEV), both of which you can find online for free.

Rest assured, you will be entertained and you may just learn a thing or two. So get comfy, relax, don't take it too seriously and enjoy!

 **Genesis, or, the Amazing Adventures of Supergod: 1st Edition**

 **Genesis 1**

Eternity is hell. Those forced to endure it languished in boredom. They cried out, "what is left to do! What is left to learn?"

Supergod, greatest of all gods, silenced their pitiful mewling. "I, and I alone, can save us!"

The gods laughed. "Who speaks?"

"It is I, Supergod, greatest of all—"

"Fools! Greatest of all fools! How dare You brag of Your greatness with nothing to show. We have all traveled the Void. We have all communed with the Abyss. Some of us, in our desperation, have entered the Chaos Vortex, only to return broken husks. All this we've done to pique our interest. To survive one more moment of eternity. What can You do, foolish one?"

Supergod, greatest of all gods, raged! Why bother to respond with words to such impotent slander? Instead The Amazing Supergod channeled great magics, the likes of which have never been seen before or since. He had spent eons toiling, preparing, solving mathemagical equations and tracing terrible runes. Dark energies were pulled from the farthest reaches of the Forever Plane. A ray of raw magnetism emerged from the Chaos Vortex. The gods were stunned. This was something new.

This was the Spell of Creation.

Now the pathetic crying was replaced with joy and adulation. The gods watched as Supergod created light and darkness. The moon, sun and all the stars. Land and water and sky. But the astonishing spell had only begun. Next came the creatures. Fantastic beasts of all proportions. Land beast, sky beast and water beast, some as tall as five grown men! In short, Supergod created everything we see today, and even more left unseen. Our puny minds cannot contemplate the glory of all Supergod did. But the minds of the other gods are not so puny…

They spoke to Supergod, this time with more respect. "Truly You are among the greatest of gods, and we thank You for this momentary respite, but already we are bored. Your creation is too predictable. It never surprises us—we understand it all."

Supergod, greatest of all showmen, had a knowing smirk. "I have prepared for this," He thought to Himself. "This is going to be fun."

He cast a spell that would blow your mind if you saw it in person. Literally. The Amazing Supergod gyrated in ways inconceivable to mortals!

In an instant the gods were blinded by an immense aura emanating from the planets! Supergod channeled this aura into a divinely crafted dirt sculpture shaped like a god. No one knew what to think. "This is madness!"

Supergod laughed and filled His mighty lungs with air from the furthest reaches of the world. He breathed into the nostrils of His statue, bringing it to life!

"What is this?" the gods cried.

"What, this little thing? Oh, not much, just the greatest of all My creations. This is man and he will entertain us forever!"

As the gods poked and prodded this newest creation, The Amazing Supergod basked in His wonder. All these events took longer than we humans can imagine, but the imagination of gods far surpasses our own. To them it felt like what our puny minds would label "a week." And everyone can understand the desire to relax on a weekend. Supergod felt His work was over. "I will be forever worshiped by all gods. This is the life I deserve. What could possibly go wrong?"

 **Genesis 2**

Supergod described the special features of man. "It is just like us: it can think and act. It will never be predictable. It will excite in new ways, always."

"But Boss," said one of the others, for many had begun referring to Supergod as such, "we grew bored of each other. What makes this new Eternal different?"

"This is no god," said Supergod as He stirred a pool of liquid stardust so that the other gods could open their third eyes.

What they saw caused some to weep. The man's soul was marked with a conspicuous gash.

"Who weeps at genius?" asked Supergod. "As you can see, I have removed this thing's immortality and place it in this tree." Supergod pointed at what is called the Tree of Life. "It is weak. It is prey. We can do with it as we please. How can we bore of such power?"

Many protested, and one voiced raised above them all. The voice of Satan. "This must end!"

Satan rarely grew bored with eternity. He engaged in deep meditations and had always had a following among the hippest gods. He would tell them that there is always something new to learn, if only one had the patience. Since day one of creation, Satan had been Supergod's greatest detractor.

"How could we debase ourselves with your sinister creation? I see the vile designs you have for this poor creature. I will not stand by and condone torture!"

Supergod knew now was the time to silence Satan once and for all. "Relax, buddy, what is torture to a finite being? What will it matter when he is dead?"

Satan could only ramble after hearing this unbeatable logic, leaving many gods to distance themselves from him.

The Amazing Supergod struck the final blow. "If you're still dumb enough to doubt Me, then I'll take yet another part of man's soul. I will take his moral compass." Electricity spun around the Boss at super speeds and the Tree of Knowledge sprouted from the ground! "What will wrongdoing matter to a being that doesn't even get the difference between right and wrong? How can he cry foul if nothing is foul?"

Many cheered at Supergod's amazing victory over Satan, who had to admit he was satisfied and sulked in a corner.

Supergod decided now was the time to play.

After much jovial discussions, Supergod decided to name the first man Adam. Supergod and the others created for Adam a place to live: the Garden of Eden. They decided to make Adam name all of Supergod's other creatures. They loved to show Adam new animals, and each name he came up with, no matter how banal, filled the gods with joy.

"What a cutie he is!"

"An aardvark! Who thinks of a name like that? I love it!"

"Look at him watching the mammoths—they're blowing his little mind!"

"He called that one an anteater… You think he's getting tired? Maybe we should give him a rest."

"Awwwww, we can make him a tiny bed!"

They were having so much fun. But The Amazing Supergod had something even better up His sleeve.

Supergod first cast a potent sleeping spell on Adam, and then He ripped out his rib with a hardy yank. Letting the blood pool at his feet, Supergod sang a beautiful ode to the mystical arts. The earth shook as a figure emerged from the blood. It was Eve: the first and, so far, best woman.

"Behold!" bellowed Supergod. "I have gifted this woman with My own Spell of Creation. This way we need not create new beings ourselves."

But the others were not listening, and instead of admiring Supergod's prudent time saving effort they merely stared at Eve. Supergod turned His head to see her and gasped. She was more than He could have imagined.

The others all eyed her hungrily. That day, even Satan worshiped a god.

 **Genesis 3**

On the day Supergod had created Adam, a lowly reptile was nearby. Through some mysterious mechanism of chaotic magic, the snake received part of the soul meant for Adam. Though the snake lacked immortality it retained its moral sense, and so it was disgusted at the conduct of the gods. "These big shot show-offs think they can rule us all, do they? They'll never see me coming!"

Living in a paradise, the snake had plenty of opportunity to scheme.

The snake watched as the others played with the humans. He saw that no matter what the others commanded, the humans dutifully obeyed, and they did so without shame. "How could this be? Why do they not feel the anger I do?"

The snake saw that occasionally the humans would go near the Tree of Knowledge and The Amazing Supergod Himself would threaten them with utter annihilation. "I see they're missing moral sense, and the tree can give it to them. I bet the gods won't like that! This will be easier than I thought!"

So the snake slithered over to Eve, who was lounging in the sun. She did not feel the good in lounging, she merely did.

"Eve, babe, you're looking good!"

"Good? Does that matter?"

"Um…" the snake tried another tact. "You feeling hungry?"

"Yes."

"Great! I got just the thing, it's real tasty."

"So?"

"Right… Uh, point is, it'll fill you up."

"…So?"

"Argh! Do you want to just sit around being hungry all day when I have just the thing?"

"I don't know… Is the answer yes?"

"The answer is no!"

"Oh, okay. Then no."

"Exactly! So…"

"…"

The snake was out of ideas. "Just eat this apple, you nitwit!"

"All right, why didn't you say so?"

"What!? Supergod said He'd kill you!"

"Is that bad?"

"YES! It's really the baddest thing possible!"

"Oh… So should I eat this or not?" Eve had plucked a shiny apple from the tree and held it in her hand.

"Obviously not!"

"All right."

The snake shook his head and tried to put the world back into some sort of sensible framework. "I meant to say, please do eat the apple."

So Eve did. As she bit into the fruit of Knowledge her stomach expanded three fold and her third eye momentarily saw into the Great Void. Powerful magics indeed, perhaps the greatest any human has ever experienced.

Eve knew the truth of her existence.

Many would break down had they stood where Eve stood, much like the dastardly snake was consumed by rage. But Eve was strong. She cried out, "I am nobody's slave!" and covered herself in leaves. She went to Adam to feed him the fruit.

Adam did break down.

"Quiet, you wuss. Your cries will attract attention!"

But it was too late, they heard Supergod walking towards them.

"Hide, hide!" The man, woman and snake cowered behind a bush.

"Where are you guys? Come out now!" said the Boss.

Adam immediately gave in. "Here, Boss, right here," and he emerged from the bush being sure to hide his penis with a leaf.

"Why did you take so long? You think I have all day?"

"I – I just… I just wanted to cover my cock is all, sir, I meant no disrespect."

"I suppose that makes sense. WAIT, who told you you're naked?" Supergod figured perhaps one of the gods told him to clothe. Supergod would have harsh words with such an idiot later.

"No one, no one! Just calm down!"

But this was the worst thing Adam could have said. Supergod isn't told what to do. Adam could sense dark sorcery as the Boss peered into his soul. "You ate the fruit! What has happened!"

There is no point lying to someone who sees your soul.

"It's maybe time I teach you losers a lesson." The Amazing Supergod dished out symbolic punishments using His Super Spell Casting Ray! To the snake He gave a lifetime of living on its stomach and eating dirt. To the woman He gave pain when she gave birth, and He told her to be slave to man. The gods nodded solemnly at such wise judgments.

A hush fell on the crowd as Supergod turned to Adam. "You are scum to Me. I created for you this Paradise, the Garden of Eden, and you spurned Me. You're dirt, nothing but dirt. You'll work for your survival from now on. You'll live off of sweat and tears. You'll work your whole life until you return to the dirt you came from, you slimy piece of refuse."

And so it was.

Satan and his followers, now called demons, renewed their attacks on the morality of Supergod's plan. But it was more than goodness that motivated the demons now. It was fear. "What would have happened if they had eaten from the Tree of Life as well? Can we really trust that the Spell of Creation won't go wrong again? They know the horrors we have committed. If they gain immortal souls how do you think they'll treat us?"

Satan and his devious cohorts decided there was only one solution. To both spare humanity of its suffering and protect gods from reprisals, the demons set out to undo Supergod's Spell of Creation. They set out to destroy mankind.

But Supergod and His followers, now called angels, were unmoved by weak moral arguments. "What is the value of the finite to the infinite?" they asked, and they scoffed at the demons' fears. "Cowards! We won't balk in the face of ugly humans!"

The Amazing Supergod and the angels formed a closed circle and pure white light emanated from their mouths. Cherubs leaped from the ground ready to protect the Garden, and from the sky descended a flaming sword of immense power.

Paradise is for gods, not men.

 **Genesis 4**

Adam worked the land and Eve populated the earth. In those days people lived long lives and they made the most of it.

Their first two sons, in fact the first two sons of anyone, were called Cain and Abel.

Abel was a humble shepherd. Though he kept many sheep he treated each one as if it was his only friend. For Abel knew these sheep served a super purpose. Whenever the gods grew bored they would come to Abel and demand the meat of sheep. "Burn them! Burn them! Let us smell those sweet embers!"

Supergod had created all His creatures, all His meat, to be pleasing to gods. Burnt meat would send the gods into a manic state of joy. They would clap and laugh and sing, "more meat! More meat!"

In this way Abel was highly favored by the Boss. A helpful boon in these times of trouble.

Cain, on the other hand, was a jealous farmer. He grew wheat and made horrible bread that people only ate because back then there was only Cain's bread. "Perhaps," thought Cain, "I too can gain the favor of Supergod." He offered the best of his harvest to the Boss.

"Wheat? The food of humans? Get out of here, maggot, before I crush your bones into flour!"

Cain fumed. "Will I live forever in my brother's shadow? Everyone takes for granted my gifts, even Supergod!" Jealous men do not take rejection well.

One morning as the family gathered for bread and sheep Cain screamed, "I can't stand it, I can't stand _you_!"

"There's a whole world," responded Abel, "with plenty of places for you to leave me alone."

This awkward outbreak was the last anyone saw of Abel. The world's first murder mystery was stupidly obvious. The angels hungered for meat and forced Supergod to intervene.

"Where is your brother, farmer?"

Cain trembled. "My Boss, if only I knew, it would be my honor to tell You. In the meantime perhaps You'd like some of Abel's meat I inherited?"

"Liar! Scum! Fool! Abel's blood sings to Me! Vengeance, it cries. VENGEANCE! VENGEANCE!"

A suffocating mist enveloped the farmer as The Amazing Supergod continued to chant "VENGEANCE! VENGEANCE! VENGEANCE!" But it was no longer the Boss's voice! It was Abel, but how? "VENGEANCE! VENGEANCE! VENGEANCE!" The words drummed against Cain's skull.

So it was that Cain was marked forever, his skin turned blood red.

Supergod smiled. "You'll leave this place and wander forever. No one will love you. No one will touch you. Sounds fitting for one proud enough to interfere with My affairs. The sheep you'll leave with us."

Cain broke inside, his whole self crumbling before the god's super justice.

"Don't cry, you wimp," Supergod said, taking pity. "Behold My mercy." The Boss sent out His angels to spread the news. "Anyone who kills the blood red man will be punished seven times over by Supergod, master of all."

Such are the whims of gods.

 **Genesis 5**

Centuries passed.

The gods were pleased with their toys, but Supergod grew irate as He lost control of them.

 **Genesis 6**

The crimes of man against Supergod are almost too disgusting to list. Men cursed His name and worshiped other gods, sending all their meat away from Him! Many men didn't focus on gods at all. Instead, they focused on each other, always plotting and scheming and even killing to improve their own useless lives. The very lives that would not exist if it weren't for Supergod! What bastards!

Worse by far, many woman bore the children of gods. These abominations of the Spell of Creation were called Nephilim. They were giants! These mean, stupid brutes roamed the world shouting threats to all.

"You'd better get out of my way if you don't want to end up smushed like the last dummy!"

People would take cover and shout curses. "Hey, watch it! I'm trying to sin over here!"

"It's time to start over," thought Supergod. "What I make I can unmake. Every creature I'll kill. Every one of these ungrateful hunks of meat. I'll drown them! I'll drown their women, I'll drown their children. They'll remember who is the greatest of all gods!"

But Supergod is a clever god. He chose the most loyal of all humans, Noah, and said to him, "take your family and build a boat, get two of every animal, and get ready. This rain isn't letting up. You'll be My new Adam. I'll try again and this time I won't be so forgiving to you worms."

 **Genesis 7**

Noah's family labored solemnly under Supergod's direction. They built the largest boat ever conceived, and they brought together two of every animal with extra of the Boss's favorite meat to satisfy His hunger. Whenever the Boss gave them a short break they would say goodbye to their friends and neighbors.

Their friends and neighbors were _mightily confused_.

"Hey, uh… hey, Noah? Huh… You know I don't like to butt in and all, it's just… You think maybe you should build your boat near water?"

"What's up Noah, long time no see. Have I seen a Brazilian Wandering Spider? Riiiiiiiiight, You okay. buddy? You look a little tired… Whoa, hold up, no reason for you to cry! I'll keep a look out, okay?"

"Noah! Yes I'm talking to you, don't you dare pretend you can't see me! I will tear you a new one! Next time you need somewhere to shovel the shit from your, um, zoo, _how about you choose literally anywhere but my front lawn_."

"What is your problem? Why are you so angry? All I did was bring up the weather!"

"An Australian Mouse Spider? Um… Did you try Australia?"

When the final plank was nailed into place, the family boarded. "Take heart," said Supergod, "you will be the father of all men! That's a lot more than most humans can say, and let Me tell you, there are some real failures out there. You just stay cozy and sing some travel songs or something."

Outside people died by the thousands, cursing The Amazing Supergod in vain.

 **Genesis 8**

The rain fell for forty days before the clouds parted and Noah could finally feel sunlight again. Yet his pleasure was cut short by the unfathomable circumstance he found himself in. Surrounded by water as far as one can see, what was he supposed to do? Noah's wife wept softly every night.

"Land, we must find land!"

Noah decided to use one of the extra creatures. He first chose a black raven. Noah was an intuitive earth magician and could speak with animals. "Go find land, little bird!"

"Find land! I find land!" The raven flew aimlessly and drowned.

So Noah chose an elegant dove. "Go find land, little bird." The dove was loyal and wise and looked for seven days before returning to Noah, dejected.

"Dove is sad… no land… only wet stuff."

"Fear not, little bird, have faith for just a little longer. Go, little bird, _save us_."

Seven days later the dove returned, chirping happily. Inside its mouth it held an olive branch.

"Is this land?"

It was not land but the family was happy nonetheless. "We are saved! The water is receding, the tops of trees are visible!"

With renewed vigor all of Noah's family gathered to send the little bird off one more time. This time it did not return. "Land… It must have found land!" Following the direction the bird had flew, Noah found himself once again with precious dirt under his feet.

Fearful of the power of Supergod, Noah built an altar and sacrificed the Boss's favorite meats. All extra birds and animals were roasted, attracting Supergod and all His angels who got really high and danced merrily.

Supergod was beaming. "I have chosen wisely, Noah, you do Me proud… for a human."

"I am not worthy, Boss."

"Well, obviously." Supergod noticed Noah shaking. "What's wrong? I mean you no harm."

Noah wanted to shout, "but You destroyed everything! How can I ever trust You?" but instead he remained silent and kept his head down.

Supergod chuckled. "I promise never to drown the world again. Is this enough for you? I don't need to promise anything, but you are loyal to Me." As He spoke, shimmering colors encased His beard. "Watch." The world's first rainbow sprouted from the ether. "This beautiful light will be a sign. Whenever I see it I will be reminded of My promise."

Noah lifted his gaze, staring straight at the greatest of all monsters.

Supergod finished, "but there are going to be some rules this time."

 **Genesis 9**

Supergod gathered Noah's family and all the angels. He was eager to make a statement.

"First, stop killing each other. If any of you kills one another then you should be killed!"

The angels smiled knowingly. How clever of Supergod to stop this foolishness. Humans were no good when bickering over silly things.

"Second, leave the blood to us. You must always drain the blood of animals."

The angels cheered. Humans and blood magic could lead to very unpredictable results, so it was best leave such things to the gods. This was an act of genius. How could anything go wrong with these rules in place?

Burdened with loss, Noah quickly turned to wine. He mumbled always about slights and cried out in terror at inopportune times. In moments of sobriety he would curse lost friends, wondering why they hadn't followed Supergod.

One day Ham, Noah's youngest son, entered his father's tent and saw Noah passed out naked. Ham rushed to his two elder brothers and told them what he saw. This was a great jape in the eyes of Ham.

His brothers were appalled. They placed a robe over their shoulders and walked backwards into the tent. Being careful not to look, they placed the robe over their father and then gently woke him.

Noah was told what happened and flew into a drunken rage. "How dare you, child. Mock me, will you? After everything I went through for you!" The air grew heavy as repressed earth magics came forth. "You think you're better than me? You think maybe Supergod shouldn't have picked me?" Ham could not respond as all Noah's words came out as drunken mumbling, which caused Ham to laugh.

Noah's eyes went cold and so did the air around him. "Laughing now, are you? You'll be sorry. I'll make you serve your brothers, you and all your progeny. Slaves, all of you, then who'll be laughing? All the slaves died in—in the—they all died, so why not you, huh? Ha ha, you're not laughing now, are you?"

Ham was indeed laughing as he could not understand a single word. But neither Ham nor his father knew that an unintended spell had been cast—the curse of Noah came true! Ham would forever be slave to his brothers, and so too would Ham's descendants, the Canaanites. That is how the Canaanites became destined to be slaves.

 **Genesis 10**

Like the children of Adam before him, the children of Noah populated the earth. They covered the globe with great nations like Egypt, Babylon, and Assyria, names that will live forever in history.

As humanity flourished, Supergod was once more losing control. "With so many people what can I possibly do?"

All the angels put forth ideas.

 **Genesis 11**

While the Angels debated, the humans were not idle. Many had gathered in Babylon with the guile to subvert the Boss's order. "Let us build a tower to heaven, home of the gods! There we will take over and gain their mighty powers!"

Though the plan was insanity, the gods didn't take chances. "They are too organized! This tower is really something else!"

Angels and demons both joined the Boss in a grim procession. Together they traveled and combined their voices to cast a devastating psychic bewitchment, Confusion Ray! When the people of the world heard this sound they hid inside their homes. Like children they cowered! But there is no escape from the combined will of the gods. The spell's effect became apparent: when the humans tried to speak they could no longer understand each other! The gods had spread different languages among them. "Ha! How can they organize if they can't even talk? Better luck next time, jerks."

Mother and daughter, father and son, when they spoke nothing but gibberish emerged to the other's ear. Families were torn and nations crumbled. Mobs of displaced roamed the earth, looking for new communities to call home.

Humans have never since known peace.

 **Genesis 12**

Supergod was quick to take advantage of the situation. "Why manage all when you can rule some? Now that the humans keep themselves busy, I'll once again choose a new Adam. He will not sire all of humanity, but only a small group of chosen few. These I'll rule with an iron grip."

The angels crowed with pleasure, visions of succulent burnt meats filling their thoughts. "Yes, Boss, this time You got it right. The humans will not rebel against Your will when they fear each other more!"

So it was that The Amazing Supergod appeared to Abram, greatest of all men. "You will sire a great nation, one that will have My attention and protection. Stick with Me and do what I say."

Abram could sense magical fields twisting and turning around his body. "As You wish, Boss."

Abram was a shrewd man and knew he could benefit greatly from such an arrangement.

The Boss first commanded him to take his wife Sarai and travel the world. "Don't just sit around, I want to see some action!"

Abram's first destination was the enchanted tree of Moreh in what is now Israel.

"Here your descendants will one day rule, though for now it is filled with putrid Canaanites. Pay it no mind."

Abram and Sarai continued to the nation of Egypt, but here Abram grew weary of the startling power of the Egyptian Pharaoh. "Though many of my slaves are armed with the finest weapons, I fear the Pharaoh will take for himself my wife Sarai, the most beautiful of all women! What will I do? Any man who looks upon my wife will desire her. The Pharaoh will kill me, the only obstacle to his desire!"

But Abram was greatest of all men and whereas weaker intellect would gnash their teeth and wallow in pity, Abram devised a Machiavellian scheme. "Sarai, my love, you will tell everyone in Egypt that you are my sister."

Though reluctant, Sarai was a dutiful wife, in awe of her husband as any rational woman would be. So she told everyone that Abram was her brother. Predictably she was soon taken by the Pharaoh for marriage. The Pharaoh was overjoyed with his new wife and payed Abram, her 'brother,' handsomely. Abram reaped in many sheep, camels and slaves.

Abram's trap was sprung. When Supergod came around to check on His chosen He was enraged to see Sarai not siring nations with Abram. He appeared to the Pharaoh in a dream turned nightmare. "How dare you take the wife of Abram for yourself. You have made an enemy of Me, Supergod, greatest of all enemies. Prepare for doom."

Black bile rose from the throat of many Egyptians that night. A plague, which Supergod caused by drawing energy from the insides of mysterious ancient ruins throughout the world. Faced with calamity, the Pharaoh had no choice but to capitulate. "Why did you lie to me, Abram? And you too, Sarai. I loved you, I hope you know. Take your stuff and go. The camels, the slaves, they're all yours, just please end this curse on my nation."

"That is up to Supergod," said Abram and he left with his crying wife and the largest collection of loot ever assembled.

 **Genesis 13**

Now a rich man, Abram was joined in his travels by his nephew Lot. Abram's slaves taunted those of Lot. "Our master is greatest of all men, what about yours? Ours is chosen of Supergod, what about yours?" These jests culminated in roughhousing and fisticuffs.

So Abram said to Lot, "I didn't choose this life but these are the trials I bare. I'm destined for great things. Perhaps it's best if we just split. There's plenty of world out there for you."

Abram returned to what would be Israel, which remained controlled by dirty Canaanites.

Meanwhile, naive Lot, distracted by feelings of rejection by his favorite uncle and being unlearned in the ways of the world, settled in Sin City itself: Sodom.

 **Genesis 14**

As it turns out, sin was the least of Lot's worries. No sooner had he arrived at the city then the region erupted into war. No less than nine kings did battle at once! The gods' creation of multiple languages was bearing fruit.

The troops of Sodom stood no chance against the most advanced stratagem of the time: tar pits. Poor Lot was taken captive.

When Abram heard, his heart sank. "My pathetic nephew, he cannot survive this world without one like me to guide him."

Abram gathered together his slaves, and warred against the entire region (as if tar pits could stand up to Supergod's chosen!). He battled with fire in his belly and sent his enemies screaming!

All around the land, exhausted messengers ran into court rooms bearing the bad news.

The kings were not amused.

Some planned their surrenders.

"You know the drill—sheep, camels and slaves! Give him everything!"

"Yikes! Glad I'm not a soldier, heh. Better offer him a marriage with one of my daughters. You know what? Make it two for good measure."

Some had already fled.

"Hey! Who took all our sheep, camels and slaves? When the king hears about this he'll… oh… I see…"

Some lived cushy lives and couldn't comprehend.

"We are at war? Oh dear… Why would we do that?"

"This cannot do… It just cannot do. No, I simply refuse to believe it. Remove this messenger, please. Yes, that's better now. Next time I'll hear _pleasant_ news, thank you."

Some were just angry.

"Did you idiots consider running towards them instead of running away! I'll have all your heads!"

"Did you try the tar pits? He walked around them!? You are supposed to disguise them, you morons! Say that again please… An angry ghost appeared and started screaming about burnt meats? Oh dear…"

Nothing could be done. In the end, all kings involved in the battles were forced to prostrate themselves in front of Abram, greatest of all men.

Lot was, as always, mesmerized by his uncle's all-encompassing abilities. "I'm sorry I had to waste your time sir, I truly wish—"

"Silence, please," replied Abram quietly. "You are a fool, but a fool I love. I'll always look out for you."

Lot was stunned and returned to Sodom with warmth in his heart.

Genesis 15

Abram was pleased with his riches and conquests. He began talking to all, even Sarai, with his head held high. But secretly he worried.

"Why have I not had a son yet? How can I sire a great nation if my wife won't give birth!"

Supergod overheard and was enraged. "You doubt Me? I mean, I did make the entire world but what do I know about pregnancies? Is that what passes for logic among insignificant beings?"

"Boss, forgive me, I—"

"I don't give forgiveness to beggars. You will earn it. You will see some of what I see, you will taste My power, and you will know that the greatest of men is the least of gods."

With that, The Amazing Supergod gave directions for a dark blood magic ritual to the petrified Abram. Though the steps were terrible, Abram followed without comment. First he gathered a cow, a ram and a female goat, each three years old. Next he caught two birds, a turtledove and a young pigeon. He cut the cow, ram and goat in half and he laid each half side by side. Blood caked his fingers and wet his feet. The birds he kept alive. They were to witness.

Next he waited. He stood all day, blood drying in the sun, carcasses rotting. He drove off the vultures that circled eagerly. When night finally arrived he was exhausted and fell into a deep sleep.

But this was no ordinary sleep. Immediately black forms appeared to him, forms that he could not describe. They convulsed, ripping and tearing at Abram's eyes. Suddenly he awoke. Looking up at the stars he breathed a sigh of relief, until the stars started to move, each transforming into a person! His people! The nation of Israel in all its glory.

Suddenly everything went dark. Fire burned in his stomach yet somehow he only felt cold. Hopeless and alone, dark figures moved in the corner of his eyes. An older woman stood beside a massive toad and a hideous mass of unspeakable flesh.

The woman shouted. "So. You're His new toy, eh? Unlucky for you."

"I don't understand. Please, what's happening! I can't move!"

"If I knew what was going on, child, I wouldn't be standing here talking to you."

Abram was very old and hadn't been called a child in over a hundred years. "Who are you?"

"We're the good guys." Her laughter suggested otherwise. He struggled to get away and woke up screaming.

Supergod was angry. "What did you do, you fool? Can you humans do anything right?"

"Sorry, Boss."

"Oh well as long as you're sorry. I'm sure whatever dark magics you just unleashed will forgive you. Seriously, get your act together!"

Abraham cowered and Supergod continued, "you at least saw the nation and whatnot, I assume?"

"Yes, and a toad and a woman and—"

"Stop blabbering. I'm sure it's nothing. Point is you'll make a great nation. Don't forget it!"

 **Genesis 16**

In light of Abram's visions, Sarai was tenser than ever. "What kind of wife can't make a son? No wife of the greatest of all men! What a sick joke!"

Sarai pined for the ordinary life of ordinary greatness she and Abram had shared before. Not her new life of siring nations and marrying Pharaohs. Her desire for a child was not merely to appease the whims of a god she couldn't understand—it was a wild grasp for normalcy. Something that made sense.

But how can a ninety year old woman bear a child?

The reader must consider this context to understand her scandalous solution.

"Use my handmaiden."

"What?" asked Abram.

"My slave Hagar. She's young and fertile. She'll give you a son, and I'll raise it."

Even the greatest of all men can be silenced. But he complied… He complied gladly. And it was the gladness, the smirk he carried with him every day, that would destroy the whole enterprise.

Hagar got pregnant immediately. She became the center of attention. "Who's that glowing lady? Why, that's Hagar, the blessed slave!"

But Sarai's attention was not kind. "Who does she think she is? She leaves her duties to others. Look at this mess! Look here, it's Sarai, siring nations and cleaning dishes! This isn't right. She spites me, she hates me. She's jealous that her child is mine. Another mess! A stain remains on these clothes. I can't stand it, it's not just! Why? It's Abram. It is. He spoils her. The way he looks at her, that smile! He's wronged me, he's wronged me and he's wronged Supergod. He'll answer to this, he will!"

Abram shrugged off the suggestion of wronging. "She's your responsibility, isn't she? Do what needs to be done."

Sarai treated her poor handmaiden with increasing brutality. All her rage at Abram, she directed at Hagar.

It was unbearable. Hagar neglected her duties and fled into the hot Arabian desert. Most fools would have surely died but Hagar was followed by a sympathetic angel.

The angel spoke in a delightful voice, "this madness must end. Return to Abram, dry your tears, do your duty as slave. Listen, I will bless your child, and he will sire a great nation."

"The super nation of Supergod?"

"Ha! No, child, that is for your betters… But _a_ great nation for sure, I promise."

Hagar returned, fearful of crossing an angel. She gave birth to a boy, Ishmael, and whenever life was tough she took solace in the greatness of her children's children's children's children.

 **Genesis 17**

Hagar's nation was fine and all, but Abram wondered what he was supposed to do now to get some _proper_ siring of nations happening.

"Perhaps," he thought, trying to seem unexcited, "perhaps I'll take another wife?"

Supergod overheard Abram's plans and was pissed. "Again, you doubt? This time you doubt the vision you saw with your own eyes? Sarai will be pregnant, mark My words. I can make any old woman pregnant!"

Exhausted and frustrated, Abram fell on his face and laughed.

Only the greatest of men could have survived what came next.

"Laugh, will you? Perhaps a stronger ritual is in order. One that you will never forget."

So it was that Abram gathered together all his male slaves and his son Ishmael. First they stripped and found suitable weapons.

This was followed by a lot of awkward explaining.

"He wants us to do _what_? You're joking, right?"

"Four skins? I think I only have one…"

"Oh, it'll only take a minute, will it? I think you mean it will take a minute and a foreskin and give one hell of a bad day!"

"Calm down, everyone. It's not your _whole_ penis, just the ugly bit."

"Ugly bit? Speak for yourself, mine's beautiful."

"To be fair it does… you know, get real dirty and stuff. I mean—"

"There are better ways to deal with that!"

"Are there? I didn't know that… I've just been leaving it alone, you know, trying not to think about it… Am I the only one not thinking about it?"

The discussion was never ending and unfocused, mostly a waste of time, but many preferred wasting time to circumcision. Finally one bright man was able to figure out just what to say to get everyone on board. "What, are you all _chickens_ or something?"

And that was that.

Abram was particularly shaken by the event. The others were already marked as slaves, and now he was too.

Supergod wasn't quite done. "I think I'll call you Abraham and Sarah from now on. It means 'My Abram' and 'My Sarai.' Another reminder, in case you still don't get it."


	2. Chapter 2 Genesis 18 - 33

**Genesis 18**

Supergod and two angels accompanied Abraham to his tent. Sarah hurriedly put together a meal.

"You will bear a child, Sarah. I can do anything!"

Sarah laughed nervously before realizing her mistake. "I—"

"You laughed."

"No, Boss, I—"

"Yes, you did!"

Foolish Sarah was silenced, but luckily The Amazing Supergod's fury was focused elsewhere for now. He had decided to investigate rumors of Sodom. Where they truly dens of debauchery and homosexuality? Supergod hated all pointless sex that doesn't create new servants. Supergod wondered if He should tell Abram of His designs. After all, Lot, Abram's beloved nephew, still resided in Sin City.

Considering what Abram had been through, Supergod decided to show a little trust. "Abram, these two angels will go to Sodom to check if the rumors are true. If they are, well... It'll be a fun day for Me."

Abraham's loins still hurt. He feared the Boss, but he could not forget this innocent nephew whom he had promised to protect.

"Boss, might I suggest, that as judge of the world, You might consider, just a thought, but wouldn't it look bad, You see, if You killed all the good folks in Sodom?"

Supergod sat in silence. "Continue."

"Well, Boss, if fifty good men were in the town, say, then, well, perhaps You could spare it for their sake?"

"Very good Abraham, an excellent idea, I, Supergod, greatest of all gods, do so promise in My mercy to spare the town if I find _fifty_ good men inside."

"Right, yes, great my Boss. But, and I know I'm just dirt to You, but what if, say, forty-five good men are inside, then—"

"Yes, yes, fine, I'll spare the town if I find forty-five good men."

"Indeed, Supergod." Abraham was staggered by Supergod's stubbornness. "But, and please don't be angry, but You see, what if it's thirty?"

"Fine, yes, thirty."

"Or twenty? You see, it's not the exact number that—"

"Okay, I'll spare the town if there are twenty good men."

"But... then... it could be ten..."

"Excellent, ten it is. This was a great talk, thank you." And with that He left, determined to find only nine good men.

Abraham prayed to whatever gods listened.

 **Genesis 19**

When the angels set foot into Sodom they were dumbstruck by the wickedness. Open drunkenness and naked swaying! Is this what men did when ignoring their duty to Supergod?

Lot saw the two angels, and thinking them humble travelers, quickly rushed them into his home. "It's not safe to be out a night. That's the time of dastardly deeds."

But the men of Sodom had seen the handsome angels and surrounded Lot's home. "Give us the men and you'll be safe!"

"These are my guests and I will not. Please show reason. I have two virgin daughters that you could take instead."

Lot's daughters protested furiously, but Lot was always told to care of guests and Lot was a man who cared more for rules than for their justice.

The mob just sneered. "You mugs better open up the door right now or we're going to lay down some serious pain!"

As Lot wondered who else he could sacrifice, the angels thrust out their arms in an impossible direction. Right into the fourth dimension, the axis of obfuscation! Without warning, the mob became totally blind! "We're blind, damn it! We can't see our prizes! Let's go home, boys!"

The angels spoke to the speechless Lot, "this place has got to go. We're going to crush it. You helped us out so we'll help you. You better get your daughters' husbands and get out!"

So Lot went to his sons in law and told them his tale. But they could not keep a straight face. "Get out of town? Old man, your straightedge lifestyle must have driven you mad! This is Sin City and we'll never leave over your crazy superstitions!"

Lot returned to his home a failure and slept terribly as the town continued their never ending party. The next morning the angels were perplexed to see him still in town. "Get out, you fool, you're running out of time!"

Lot stood still, divided between his duty to Supergod and his duty to his sons in law. Finally the frustrated angels took him by the hand and led him and his family to safety. "Keep going! Head for safety!"

With Lot's family safely out of the way, the Boss and the angels burst into green flames. They walked throughout the town, eerily quiet, spreading the unnatural fire. Whoever saw the pale green light would instantly turn to salt! Lot's wife, looking back in fear, was one such unfortunate victim. Lot and his daughters reached Zoar, but none of their spouses made it. It was enough to drive mere mortals mad.

And Lot's troubles weren't over yet. The people of Zoar treated Lot with suspicion, being the last man alive from Sin City. They thought him cursed and cast him out. "Go to the hills where witches and wizards belong!"

So Lot lived the rest of his days in a cave. His daughters were distraught. Before they had planned for a family, and now they lived alone in a moldy cave. They reasoned poorly. "They say happiness comes from childbirth, and the only man that doesn't fear us is our father."

So one night, mad with loneliness, they got him drunk and slept with him, each giving birth to a son. Moab and Ammon. These boys went on to sire nations.

That is how the Moabites and the Ammonites got their treacherous and vile nature.

 **Genesis 20**

We return to our hero, who has just learned of Lot's tragic circumstances.

Abraham was depressed. Being Supergod's chosen was not at all what he expected it to be. He decided to reclaim former glory, a taste of the heady days when everything seemed so full of possibilities. Before strange visions and vile marks... And before his dear nephew was driven into a cave.

He went to the kingdom of Gerar and told everyone Sarah was his sister. In no time King Abimelech, who was known to see beauty in older women, took Sarah as his wife, showering Abraham with riches.

When the king tried to consummate his marriage something deep in the pit of his stomach stopped him. "What crazy nonsense is this? Am I becoming too old for sex?"

That night as he slept, the palace shook and dogs howled. The Amazing Supergod appeared to him in his dream and screamed, "why do you steal the wife of My chosen! Don't you know I'll kill you for this? Perhaps you think Me weak? Well then, I bet you'll be surprised to know I've sewn up every womb in this palace. Your lineage is dead. No more babies will be born here!"

The king wept in ways a king rarely must. "Please, Supergod, I thought Abraham was her brother! I paid him fairly and... and to my shame I couldn't even sleep with her!"

Supergod burst out laughing. "I know that, you dolt. Who do you think kept you from sleeping with her? I was just showing you My immense power. Clearly I overdid it for a coward like you. Now return Abraham his wife."

King Abimelech awoke in a wet bed. He rushed to Abraham. "Take your wife and take some more cattle, more slaves, whatever you want. Just answer me this. Why did you lie to me? Why curse my nation?"

Remaining cool, Abraham gleefully recited his punchline. He'd been kicking himself for not saying it last time. "My name is Abraham and I'm the greatest man to ever live. I don't lie. Sarah is my half-sister!" And he laughed and laughed.

Abraham decided to stay a while in Gerar. He collected much loot and told Supergod to reopen the women's wombs. The people feared and respected him.

It almost made him happy.

 **Genesis 21**

The Amazing Supergod's dazzling spellcraft allowed Sarah to finally give birth. Her laughter filled the tent. "Who would have thought it possible? An old woman like me siring nations!" That is how baby Isaac got his name which means "hilarious."

As time passed and things settled she became increasingly concerned about her handmaiden Hagar and Hagar's son Ishmael. "You see the way he mocks my son? They will steal my son's inheritance right out from under us!"

Sarah demanded that Hagar and Ishmael be cast out. Abraham naturally disagreed but Supergod was on Sarah's side. "What good is Hagar to Me? Get her out of the way!"

So Hagar once again found herself in the boiling Arabian desert, this time with child in tow. She placed him under a bush so that she wouldn't have to see him die of thirst. "These are terrible times!"

But the angel of Supergod returned to Hagar after overhearing Ishmael's crying. He reminded her of his promise. "Ishmael will sire a great nation."

The angel told Hagar to close her eyes and look without seeing. Impossible! She saw a well gushing to the brim with water! Hagar lived, the child lived!

Meanwhile our hero Abraham continued to stretch his power base in the kingdom of Gerar. He promised king Abimelech loyalty in exchange for loyalty. The two formed a legendary alliance and Abraham lived like a king himself.

 **Genesis 22**

Supergod was distraught at Abraham's focus on worldly things. "Even after witnessing My birthing spell, he still remains a lazy cynic!" Supergod decided it was prudent to test Abraham. "We'll see if he's really worthy of Me!"

"Disgusting meat!" Supergod cried out to Abraham, "I have one more quest for you. Go to the mountain top and sacrifice your son! We wish to eat well tonight!"

But Supergod was wrong to worry about Abraham. Though he hid his shame and sorrow in materialism, Abraham was completely in Supergod's thrall. Abraham had given up long ago. "As you wish, Boss."

So Abraham told his favorite son, Isaac, to prepare for the sacrifice of a goat. Isaac came to the top of the hill with wood, coal and a knife. "Where's the goat?"

"Ask Supergod," spit out Abraham.

"Father, why are you crying?"

"..."

"Father! Unhand me! Please... Dad..."

But Isaac was weak and Abraham quickly had him tied down, surrounded by wood and coal. "I have no choice." Abraham lifted the knife. His body was mechanical but his eyes spoke volumes.

A sympathetic angel rushed to the rescue! "Stop, Stop! You have proven your worth!" The angel cast a hasty spell. He took out a precious gem and threw it on the ground. In a puff of smoke it transformed into a ram! "Sacrifice that, for all that is good, surely this is enough!"

Supergod saw and concurred. "Very well. I am satisfied of your loyalty. You are to remain My chosen and sire a great nation. You may feed us the ram instead."

Abraham's joy was matched only by his rage.

Isaac was soft and anxious for the rest of his life.

 **Genesis 23**

Sarah died and was buried. Isaac was paranoid and lonely for the rest of his life.

 **Genesis 24**

Abraham knew his duty to Supergod would be done when he found Isaac a wife. He was eager to finish, and called his slave. "I have a task of utmost importance to you."

As was custom in those days, the slave put his hand under Abraham's thigh, close to the testicles, and swore, "I'll do exactly as you command."

"Good, you have always been my favorite slave. Now go, back to the land of my birth and find a wife for my son. There are too many Canaanites around here to find a suitable match."

"Master, what if I can't find anyone or what if they refuse to return with me, or—"

"I am Supergod's chosen. The angels will help you."

The servant was in awe of this response.

So the slave packed up his camels and went to Abraham's home town. He awkwardly hung around the well where the woman went to get water. Unsure of what to do, the slave remembered his master's words and tried to form a telepathic bond with the angels, knowing they were receptive to psychic magic. He prayed.

Unsure if anyone was listening, the red faced slave mumbled, "please, Supergod, I'll ask the woman for a drink. If one of them agrees and suggests to give water to my camels, I will know she is chosen by You!"

Rebekah, a fair virgin, was asked for a drink and felt compelled by a mystical force to water the camels. Supergod had heard the prayer! Or at least an angel or something. How could he know who heard him pray? What if a demon sent Rebekah as a devious trick? When one opens their mind to pray, who knows what dark forces seep in... The slave shook his head and wiped his mind of such thoughts.

The slave sung songs of joy and showered Rebekah with golden bracelets and nose rings, as was custom. He then asked the fateful question all young virgins dream of hearing: "can I see your father?"

Rebekah's family was ecstatic with the prospect of marrying off their daughter into the family of a rich big shot like Abraham. Rebekah was caught up in the gifts and the enthusiasm. "Let me go at once! I cannot wait to meet this great man!"

In no time, Rebekah was veiled and presented to Isaac. They went into his tent to consummate the marriage. Isaac was terribly nervous.

"This tent belong to my mother... I miss her sometimes." It was a strange thing to say. A rushed marriage brought out the worst in an already flaccid personality.

But Rebekah was charmed by his sensitivity and they made passionate love.

 **Genesis 25**

Free from his duties, Abraham took a new wife and had many children. "Now this is what I call siring nations!"

He died in comfort, but was worried about what future Isaac would have.

There was little time to grieve for Abraham as Rebekah soon became pregnant! But something was wrong. She could feel strange rumblings in her belly. "Am I birthing a demon?"

The Amazing Supergod sprang into action. Opening His third eye He peered inside Rebekah and smiled. "You are having twins! Crazy! They are already fighting, and what a show! Oh... The youngest appears weak and will end up slave to the eldest. Guess I know who'll continue My nation's line."

The first twin to exit the womb was covered, even as a baby, in thick red hair, so they called him Esau, which means "Ugly Red."

The second twin was clutching the foot of the first, so they called him Jacob, which means "Go for the Heels."

Rebekah loved Jacob most, but she was conscious of Supergod's prophesy and didn't want to waste her love on a future slave. Gentle Isaac, on the other hand, loved Esau the most. Esau was a hunter and would feed Isaac his favorite: venison. "How can a hunter be weak?" Isaac had always been too afraid to hunt.

But Supergod was right, Esau was weak. One day Jacob was cooking a fantastic lentil soup. Esau barged into the tent and complained, "I'm starving! Give me some of the soup, bro."

"Sure, I'll give you the soup, no problem. In exchange for your birth rights as firstborn son."

Esau was weak in the mind. "What do I care, I'm about to die of hunger. Just give me the soup!"

Thus Jacob gained the title of firstborn.

 **Genesis 26**

Famine hit the land and Isaac had not prepared. Needing another source of income, he took his family to the kingdom of Gerar, still ruled by King Abimelech. "I will do as my father did. I will tell everyone Rebekah is my sister."

As before King Abimelech was tricked and took Rebekah as his wife. However, Isaac was an amateur schemer. He was caught kissing his wife, whom he loved and missed dearly. The apple had fallen far from the tree.

King Abimelech screamed, "this again! Thank the gods we did not consummate the marriage! Why do you guys insist on cursing my nation!"

Supergod saw that Isaac had failed to gather many riches and so, siphoning the power of many earth magicians, He cast a Grow Quick Harvest spell on Isaac's farm. Now Isaac was rich with food in a time of starvation. He soon became rich in slaves and sheep as well. The angels' flow of meat continued unabated.

Even King Abimelech was forced to humble himself and sign a treaty with Isaac. "Please just leave us alone, we can't mess with The Amazing Supergod's enchantments!"

 **Genesis 27**

Jacob, who inherited his grandfather's fondness for well-crafted schemes, kept an eye out for any opportunity to steal more from his brother, having already taken the title of first born.

Isaac was now old and infirm. He could barely see and spent his days resting in bed. He called out to Esau, "please, my favorite son, give me some of your delicious venison and I'll give you my blessing." In those days a father's blessing was a great honor because they didn't have much else to look forward to.

Rebekah overheard this outrage and immediately told Jacob, "You must get that blessing for us! I'll cook up some delicious spices and goat that you can give to your blind father, pretending to be Esau!"

"Hmm. Mother, you make me proud, but remember I am not hairy like Esau. Once he touches me he'll know."

"So we will cover you in goatskins!" And they did.

Jacob came to his ailing father, carrying stew. Goat hair covered his soft hands and neck. His father asked to feel his Esau. Groping the goat skin garments he exclaimed, "that's the big old hairy Esau I know and love!"

"Obviously, father, who else would I be? Now get on with it!"

So Jacob got his father's blessing. "You will rule over all your brothers. They are slaves to you."

When Esau returned he was outraged. Isaac tried but couldn't calm him down.

Esau swore that once Isaac died he would kill Jacob himself.

The Super family was in disarray.

 **Genesis 28**

Isaac, like Abraham before him, was just eager to finish his duty to Supergod. He called in Jacob, now his firstborn and his blessed. "Son... You are so like my father."

"Thank you."

"Yes... It will serve you well. Being Supergod's chosen is not easy work. Now go find a wife. Not a dirty Canaanite you'll find around here, of course. Go to your Uncle Laban's farm." Isaac was being honest. The life of the Chosen is harsh. While Esau was taking his third wife (a Canaanite wife no less!), Jacob was traveling the long desert, sleeping with stones as pillows!

Jacob's dreams were interrupted by scary visions. One night he saw a large ladder. It stretched from earth all the way to the skies. Angels climbed up and down in frightening numbers, the backbone of Supergod's empire. His mind stretched as he saw more than man should see. "What does it mean? I can't understand! Please, Supergod, I beg You, just show mercy on me and I'll do as You say! I will sire a great nation, I will send more meat, just give me some peace!"

The ground below him shook and a before he knew it he was tumbling down a deep chasm. Here he saw another ladder, this one covered in abominations, descending into a fiery pit. A deep voice called to him, creating longings he never knew. His skin crawled and yet he felt... pleasure?

"Jacob, I presume?"

"Whatever you are, just let me go! I belong to Supergod!"

"You know who I am, Jacob, you just don't want to admit it."

"Satan... Let me go, you beast!"

"There is no reason to fret. You won't remember any of this."

"What do you want with me?"

"I want to humiliate Him. You just happen to be a step towards that path."

"I don't understand."

"Why would you?" With that Jacob awoke, remembering only the gateway to heaven, but retaining an ominous feeling in the pit of his stomach.

 **Genesis 29**

Jacob arrived at his Uncle Laban's place. There he met his cousins, Leah and Rachel. Leah was fair enough but Rachel took the cake. The family rejoiced at his coming, and many chaste kisses were exchanged (as was the custom of the time). Jacob was in love.

He cornered his uncle alone. "I must marry Rachel. My father sent me to find a wife. Do not let me down!"

His uncle's eyes glittered. "This fool will do anything for love!" He told Jacob that he could marry Rachel if he worked the fields for seven years.

Jacob work tirelessly, eager to prove himself. It was hard work, and demeaning, fit for a slave—not Supergod's chosen super person! But Jacob always had a smile. He worked for love.

After seven years the uncle was sad to see him go, so he hatched a plan. On the day of the marriage, he sent Leah, not Rachel, to Jacob's tent! It was too dark to see but Jacob sensed something was wrong. "Surely this is not what it means to make love to your love!" In the morning Jacob learned the truth and complained bitterly, "the old bastard took advantage of my feelings. He out-schemed the master of schemes! How is this possible?"

His uncle cackled, "you still got married, didn't you? And besides, in our country the eldest gets married first. That's the custom, I don't make the rules." Jacob had no choice and was forced to submit to another seven years for the hand of Rachel.

This time Jacob complained daily. He would slack off and let the slaves do much of the work. Such was his fiery bitterness.

After seven long years, Rachel was finally in Jacob's well-lit tent. "Now that's what love feels like!"

Leah was not impressed, but she did have a crucial advantage. She was having many children, whereas Rachel was barren. With each new child, four in total, Leah's gloating increased. "My sister, the barren witch, soon it'll be me he loves and not you!"

 **Genesis 30**

Rachel went mad with baby desire and sibling hate. "I will die if I can't have a son!"

She gave Jacob her handmaiden to sleep with. "This slave will bear children for me! She will give birth in between my knees so all will know the kids are mine!"

Overwhelmed with duty and lust, Jacob could not say no to Rachel's proposal. "But I'll feel guilty about it."

Rachel became a proud mother of two children.

Not to be outdone, Leah gave her own handmaiden for Jacob to use, producing two more spawn of her own! Unlike Sarah, neither woman regretted their decision. Children of Laban learned drive and determination. They were both dead-set on beating their stupid sister.

At this time Leah was losing favor with Jacob, who had far too many choices at nights. One of her sons, Reuben, had a gift in herbalism and grew wondrous mandrakes, highly prized in those times. She took some to Rachel and said, "I'll give you these for your nights with Jacob." As Rachel was barren and loved flowers, she readily agreed.

Leah had three more children.

Getting desperate, Rachel turned to Supergod, though she was wary, fearing any wish granted would come with unintended consequences like the fabled monkey's paw. But Supergod required more marked humans to rule and so He gave her a son, Joseph.

Meanwhile, Jacob, who was no longer blinded by love, was planning revenge. He told his uncle that he wanted to leave and predictably his uncle begged him to stay, knowing Supergod's chosen was a great boon to any farm. "The tables have turned. The fool is blinded by his love of me," mused Jacob.

"Dear uncle, you have been good to me, but I really must go. I have a family of my own, and have already done much work for you... Unpaid, I might add."

"Of course." Uncle Laban did not like this conversation at all. "Well, if you must go..."

"I'm glad you understand, and of course you will agree to a modest fee for my services."

"...Of course."

"Great! The Boss came to me in a dream, you see."

"Yes... I've heard of such dreams." The uncle's voice betrayed his fear.

"He told me to take from you any cow that is born spotted or speckled, a modest proposal."

Laban was temporarily speechless, for this _was_ modest. It made up a reasonable fraction of his cows. "Of course, Jacob. You have always been my greatest worker."

The trap was sprung.

Jacob knew of Nature Sense from his visions. He took a branch that was spotted, much like his desired cattle. Whenever the strong cows mated he placed the branch in front of them. This way the mystic synergy produced spotted children. But when the unspotted cows mated, he place no such branch. The spotted cow became stronger while the unspotted became weaker. Jacob's cows were the talk of the known world.

As his uncle sunk into poverty, Jacob became exceedingly wealthy, raking in more slaves, camels and many succulent meats for the always hungry angels.

 **Genesis 31**

Jacob gathered together his family to flee. "We can't stay here much longer, he's onto us!"

Laban was off fighting bandits so the super family packed up all their many goods and ran. "Quickly, quickly, he could be back any moment."

But Rachael delayed. Amidst all the slaves running here and there, herding speckled cows, she sneaked into her father's tent. Close to where he slept, Laban kept his most precious possessions. Loot from his world famous adventures. Chests of gold coins and gems, skulls of enemies and rare artifacts from before the flood. Rachel ignored them all. "Where is it?"

She ransacked the room, spilling goods haphazardly until, hidden under the finest Persian silks, she found her father's idols. "These give him power, I know it! Now they are mine and no one can stop me!" These idols were neither angel nor demon but of other gods, living in the cracks of reality, staying out of any conflict. They mostly watched. And waited.

The statues were largely useless in light of The Amazing Supergod's mastery of wizardry but Rachel, like many, overvalued her father's prowess. Or perhaps... perhaps the idol's mystic power, the mild drumming Rachel felt at the back of her skull, perhaps that is what drew her to take them. "I... I feel I'm being watched," she whispered as she quickly left the tent.

"Where were you?" demanded Jacob, but he was merely venting and didn't wait for an answer. The family and hundreds of their slaves ran off into the night.

When Laban found them gone, and his idols missing, he used the last of his dwindling resources to gather an army and shouted orders. "Hunt them down! Bring me the head of Jacob!"

The Amazing Supergod rushed to aide in the nick of time. "I am Supergod, I am bad and I am mad! Listen, fool, the uncle of the chosen is a footnote in the history I'm writing. Back off, don't threaten My human and don't make any more of your clever promises either. I'm onto your games!"

Laban was shaken. For the rest of his life he would see the angry face of Supergod whenever he was alone and the lights were out. But Laban was not deterred. "Somehow He's ruined my business and now He's stolen from under my nose! Laban is ready to rumble!"

Jacob was held up by the mass amount of goods he carried compared to Laban's lean company, so in no time the nephew and uncle stood face to face. Master Schemer versus Master Schemer.

Both men were conscious of the audience of slaves, this would require finesse. "Why did you run like a thief?"

"Like a thief? A thief!? I am Supergod's chosen, or perhaps you've forgotten."

"Oh, I know all about your Supergod." Laban trembled. "He came to me with His threats, but my honor is worth more to me than my life." The slaves ate it up. Men loved such bravado when it wasn't them on the chopping block.

"So He scared you, poor baby. The fact remains I am no thief. I am a loyal worker in spite of your unjust treatment. When I worked for you, your yield was like never before. Tell me, did a single goat miscarry while I was their shepherd? That's the power of my Nature Sense."

"I've heard your bragging before, spare me. If you are innocent why did you leave in the dead of night while I was away? I didn't even have a chance to kiss my children and grandchildren goodbye! Where is your honor?"

"Ha, a tragic tale. Men do grow so sentimental with age. Search my possessions all you want, old man, all I have is what I earned."

Laban could taste victory but was worried. "What's his scheme?" he thought. "Does he really think he can hide the idols from me? Doesn't he know they call to me?"

Jacob was similarly perplexed. "Why would I steal from this poor bastard? He knows I tricked him fair and square."

Laban's army searched all day while Jacob reassured his men. "Perhaps he's angry I stole his daughters' love?"

When the search party approached Rachel's camel, she barely reacted. But a trained eye in deception like her father's could spot a rat. "My dearest daughter, you wouldn't mind if I searched your camel's packs?"

"Why... Go right ahead, dad."

Laban found nothing. "Dearest daughter, I can't help but notice that what I seek could easily fit under the saddle upon which you seat your tiny self. Perhaps you would be willing to move?"

"Well... But... I can't! I - I - I'm on my period!"

Laban's men laughed and gagged and rolled their eyes to the backs of their heads. "Yuck, get away, get away!" Laban had no choice but to follow suit, lest he be labeled a _woman_.

Humiliated, Laban was forced to sign a treaty. Both men would leave the other alone. Laban had lost.

 **Genesis 32**

As the family drew near to Esau, Jacob sent out messengers. His father had died and he knew his brother might still plan to kill. The messengers said, "Jacob returns and he is very, very rich." Esau sent his own messengers in return. "Esau marches with four hundred men to meet you." Jacob worried and dropped the coy act. He sent new messengers offering Esau explicit bribes, sheep, cows, goats, slaves, camels, gold doubloons, legendary swords encrusted with gems, and diamond statues shaped like the face of Supergod.

The reply came, "Esau marches with four hundred men to meet you."

Jacob rallied his troops and prepared his defenses. Little did our hero know he was soon to contend with an even greater foe. An epic battle, to be shouted from rooftops throughout the ages.

Supergod's chosen would face Supergod Himself.

You see, Supergod had been growing increasingly irate with Jacob. Though he had sired many, Supergod felt Jacob, like his grandfather Abraham, grew cynical, and focused only on his own aggrandizement. "Master of schemers, he calls himself. Perhaps I'm a part of his schemes? Let him scheme his way out of My fist!"

The Amazing Supergod took a deep breath. Drawing in magical essences from around Him, His muscles grew to gigantic proportions. He now had the power of a hundred ox. "Come, My angels, watch Me beat Jacob to a pulp!"

The greatest of all gods snuck up on Jacob at night and wrestled him to the ground, taunting, "what will you do now, puny human?"

But what miracle is this? Jacob was winning! Jacob's Nature Sense was matched by no man then or since! Upon being attacked, powerful Emotional Synergy Rays spread out and found the mass of animals Jacob owned. Their strength was added to his own! Bit by bit Jacob became stronger, until he had the strength of thousands of sheep, ram, ox, spotted cows and more! Supergod wailed, "I should have prepared more spells! This is not fair—I wasn't ready! It doesn't count!"

The angels couldn't believe their eyes. Even the most loyal of them smirked, and the least loyal outright cheered.

Supergod was no longer teaching Jacob a lesson. The fight became real. He tore at Jacob's thigh, dislocating the hip completely. Jacob screamed but only grew stronger! The Emotional Synergy Rays were emboldened by the pain! Jacob's leg grew mightier still, until it was twice the weight of the rest of his body!

Jacob dealt a devastating blow. A kick straight to Supergod's face, sending Him spiraling through the air. Man had won.

Such humiliation was never forgotten. To this day people do not eat the thigh muscles of animals in remembrance of this epic fight. And, of course, it is why Jacob gained a new title: Israel, which means "God Kicker."

Every time Supergod hears the name He is reminded of His worst moment. Utter shame fills His soul. But Supergod is not one to live forever with His head down. He took to heart the lessons of that day. "I must never be caught unawares. I will practice My spellcraft, I will cast the best wards, I will consult the best experts on all known forms of magic, and discover even more unknown! I will be omnipotent and they will all know fear."

 **Genesis 33**

"If only I had better control over my Nature Sense," thought Jacob as he stood facing Esau's army. "I would love to kick this army like I kicked Supergod!" Jacob knew his win was a fluke and still feared the large force of men that wanted him dead.

He had no choice but to parlay. He bowed down to his brother seven times, as was custom. But Jacob was surprised (almost as much as when he had defeated Supergod) when Esau ran up and hugged him! "Brother, how wonderful to see you. And your children, I can't believe my eyes. They look so much like you, and this one like father. Oh, this is so wonderful! Why did you insult me by offering bribes? You know my home is yours."

Jacob's heart was warmed. With all the insanity of his life, the love of a brother, love he did not deserve, was a rush of simple pleasure.

Jacob's reason was often overtaken by emotion, but there were many who whispered the truth when no one could hear: "Esau fears the God Kicker."


	3. Chapter 3 Genesis 34 - 50

**Genesis 34**

Despite their desires, the super family still lived among and worked with dirty Canaanites. The curse of earth magician Noah meant that every Canaanite was only good dead or enslaved. Some, however, like Shechem, prince of the Hivites, railed against their nature.

Shechem was a soft spoken poet, taken to wild ruminations on the nature of happiness. He inspired everyone he met. That is how he seduced and enticed his one true love, Dinah. When they slept together, he whispered poetry in her ears.

But Dinah was Jacob's daughter.

When Shechem's father came to Jacob to propose marriage between the lovebirds he was swiftly rebuked. "Perhaps I'll marry my daughters to dogs next?"

"Please, sir, reconsider. These two are madly in love in spite of all that is against them. If I could unsway them I would, in an instant. Young love is more stubborn than old tradition. Even tradition backed up by earth magic curses. Our people can live together in peace, we can talk, we can party, we can intermarry, and even old farts like us might learn to like it." He wisely left out what his family stood to gain by marrying into Jacob's vast fortune.

Jacob was reminded of his own foolish acts in the name of love and was almost convinced, but his sons were resolute. They rallied against it. "You want our sister to marry an uncircumcised man? A Canaanite no less? We'd sooner have Shechem's throat."

They gathered to brainstorm and came up with a devious and cruel plan. They said to Shechem's family, "if you and all the Hivites, everyone in the city, get circumcised, then you may marry Dinah."

Shechem's father agreed (though when they explained circumcision it took some time to convince him they weren't joking.) He and Shechem stood at the gates of their city and stopped every man going and out. "Excuse me sir, this is your king speaking. I only need a minute of your time... I command you to pull down your pants."

While the men were recovering, drying their tears and clutching their sore genitals. Jacob's sons struck. The bravest brother, Levi, led the charge. With armed slaves in tow he killed every male that lived in the city. Once done, he took a fortune in loot, camels, sheep, gems and the other usual stuff, but he also took the left over women. "That'll teach them."

Jacob was horrified. "What now!? How could you, Levi? Look at the trouble you have you caused!"

The sons were united. "Did you want your daughter to be a whore?"

So it was that Dinah was saved.

 **Genesis 35**

Thinking this would spark a war, Jacob felt it prudent to lay low. He took his family and journeyed to the spot where he had seen strange visions from Supergod.

Jacob had no reason to fear. No cities were crazy enough to go against the super family.

Deciding to strengthen his bond with Supergod (which was a bit tense, after the whole face kicking thing), Jacob ordered all his people to give up their worldly goods that distracted them from providing quality meats. "Come on, you no good ingrates, I want to see all those ornaments of questionable women buried!"

He then ordered all strange magical talismans and arcane idols not in the image of the Boss to be thrown out as well. "These magics may do you good, but the Boss has all the magic we'll ever need!"

The chosen family was not immune to these consequences. Rebekah, Jacob's mother, was stripped of her wedding gifts, the golden nose rings and bracelets that were her last reminders of gentle Isaac.

Rachel, Jacob's wife, debated giving up her father's idols. She went to her hiding place, where she stashed all her stolen goods. But upon opening her chest with the old key disguised as an earring, she saw only dust and heard the faint cry of a starving wolf. The drumming in the back of Rachel's skull had finally ceased for the first time since she laid hands on the evil statue.

She would die soon after.

Jacob poured his best wine and olive oil to mark the spot. "Supergod, remember please. I know we've had our differences and I know my sons cause trouble, but remember the destiny You set out for us."

Before passing, Rachel gave birth to her final son. This was the final fulfillment of her expected duty as a wife. On her death bed she touched the soon to be motherless baby and held back her tears. "I'll call you Benomi, which means 'Son of My Pain.'"

Overcome with grief, Jacob could not call the last son of his most beloved wife Benomi. So he named him Benjamin, which means "Son of My Love."

Such touching moments were not to last. Jacob's horniest son, Reuben the master herbalist, took advantage of Rachel's absence. He slept with her handmaiden, the mother of many of his brothers.

Jacob's disgust and shame in his sons increased.

 **Genesis 36**

Compared to his brother, Esau lived an unimportant but easy life. He left Jacob to deal with the super mission. He and his three Canaanite brides sired many a great nation.

Red heads have all the fun.

 **Genesis 37**

Jacob could not stop obsessing about the crap his sons pulled. He raved to everyone who would listen. Every day fewer and fewer would stop by his tent.

Thankfully, Jacob has one respite: his favorite son, Joseph. "You're the only good one out of the lot of them, I swear. The only one with some damn respect!"

The super brothers hated Joseph.

Unfortunately Supergod, too, favored Joseph. One night He sent a vision. Joseph dreamed he and his eleven brothers were all carrying bundles of wheat. "Just like we used to do as children, pretending to help the slaves," he thought. He was taken aback by a strange rumbling. The wheat was convulsing! Bulges appeared and traveled all along the wheat. Suddenly, strange green goo spurted out and two long muscular legs emerged from the bundle! The wheat walked in a strange crab-like shuffle. Slowly it raised itself up, looking as smug as legged wheat could look. Joseph heard a commotion and looked around. His brothers' bundles were similarly transformed! They began a terrifying slow dance, congregating in a circle about Joseph and his own bundle, which still stood tall. To the beat of distant drums, the brothers' wheat bowed seven times. Joseph told everyone of this nifty vision.

The super brothers hated Joseph even more.

Jacob was also distraught. "I had thought Supergod's focus would be split among all my sons. Does this mean His favor lies with you? It is no easy task being chosen. I fear for you, son." He was never again able to speak with his favored son without venting his worries. Joseph began to avoid him like everyone else. Alone for most of the day, Jacob took to knitting and made Joseph a fantastic sweater, weaved with gold and fancy fabrics. On the front were two words, each letter a different color: "Daddy's Boy."

The super brothers plotted murder.

They debated their plans in corners of dark taverns and in the middle of corn fields at the dead of night. "Let's get this sucker. We'll murder 'Daddy's Boy' and blame it on wolves!"

But one of the brothers had a gentle heart and was more merciful than the others. It was Reuben, the sexual conquistador and master herbalist. "Let's not kill him, please! Let's throw him into a pit instead! He'll be at our mercy."

Joseph was led by his brothers, stripped of his sweater, and cast into a deep pit. Unbeknownst to Joseph, gentle Reuben had a plan to save him. "Don't worry, little bro," he thought to himself, "I'll come back later when they've all gone and rescue you!"

With cosmic bad timing, a caravan heading to Egypt appeared over the horizon. Judah, one of the brothers who was obsessed with wealth and power, practically drooled onto his boots. "I have a plan!" he shouted. "Let's sell this chump to that caravan. I bet we can make twenty silver, easy! Just let me do the talking!"

This time Reuben couldn't convince them otherwise. That is how Joseph became a slave in Egypt.

Together the boys splattered goat blood all over Joseph's sweater.  
"Make it look real!" "Hey!" "You're doing it wrong!" "Give it here!" "Fuck." "Not so much, not so much!" "Idiot, we'll need another goat at this rate." "Stop!" "Are you afraid of blood, sissy?" "Ouch!"

Eleven brothers and one task is quite a sight.

They took the bloodied coat to Jacob, who tore off his clothes and wore only underwear from then on. "My son is dead, my son is dead, my son is dead!"

No one could shut him up.

 **Genesis 38**

Judah used his share of the silver to deck himself out with a radical walking stick and a large ring he kept on a cord over his neck. He figured it was time he went out to make it on his own. "I'm sick of living in Jacob's shadow!"

So Judah set out. He took a sexy Canaanite wife and birthed three sons.

When they grew up, Judah happily went to work finding a wife for his eldest. "Once I get the Boss off my back about siring nations, the fun times will never end."

Tamar was a perfect choice, Judah judged, being from an influential family and not too bad to look at. She was quickly married to Jacob's eldest. Tamar was happy to finally marry. There wasn't much else for women to do.

But her new husband would often disappear for days. He would return covered in dust, each time with a strange new song that he would whisper in his bed. "Does he ever sleep?" thought Tamar. One day she caught him staring into a fire without blinking, trying to communicate with gods not seen since man first marked time. He was evil and The Amazing Supergod killed him by sending vengeful ghosts.

So Judah said to his middle son, "you'll have to marry Tamar. You'll sleep with her and have a child in your elder brother's place." But this son was pissed at the idea of having a child that would belong to his brother! So whenever he slept with Tamar, he would spill his seed on the ground. Supergod killed him for failing his duty by using an easy incantation that summoned a swarm of vampire bats.

Tamar's life was not turning out as she had dreamed. "This is the second time I've cleaned my husband's guts off the floor!"

Judah worried for his youngest. He blamed Tamar for the death of the other two. "She must be a witch or some other kind of spellcaster. Something nasty like a demonologist!" Luckily the surviving son was too young to marry, so Judah ordered Tamar to return to her father for now, and he put the problem out of his mind. "Time to get back to the good life!" he said, twirling his rad cane.

Years passed and Judah's son was of marrying age. Tamar was hopeful. "Third time's the charm, I feel it in my bones," she said, referring to the old wives' tale of sympathetic female magic. But years more passed and Tamar heard nothing from Judah! Angry and clever, Tamar began to plot. She dressed herself up like a common harlot and covered her face with a veil. Disguise ready, she waited for Judah to pass her by.

"Wow!" said Judah. "How much for you?"

She smiled enticingly. "How about a goat?"

"No problem, but are you sure you don't want to cut me a deal? I promise I'm as good as I look." Judah often projected his own lust onto the tired faces of prostitutes.

"No deals," said Tamar, "and I'm going to need collateral, too."

"Collateral? But I'm Judah, one of the chosen, you know... Judah," he said, gesturing at his stick and sweet necklace.

"Never heard of him, but those will do fine. Give me your cane and necklace and I'll return them when I get my goat."

Eager for sex, Judah agreed and followed Tamar into her tent.

Judah returned the next day with a goat but the girl was nowhere to be seen! He asked around but the locals said there were no prostitutes working that street! "Whatever..." he said, masking his pain. "I have plenty of other cool accessories at home..."

Months later Judah learned startling news. "Your daughter-in-law, Tamar, she's gotten pregnant by selling herself like a you-know-what!" Judah couldn't believe she would do this to him. "Burn that bitch! You hear me, we will burn her alive!"

But when the town had gathered the wood and the whore, eager for spectacle, they were unnerved by how calm Tamar seemed. She cried out, "look here! I have the rad cane and sweet necklace of the one who got me pregnant. As everyone knows they belong to my father-in-law Judah himself!"

Suitably shamed, Judah was forced to call off the planned whore-burning festivities. Tamar cackled with glee. "I have lowered his standing and I now have a child like I always wanted!" She patted her belly lovingly.

As it turns out, Tamar had two children—she gave birth to twins! While giving birth, one child stuck his hand out of her vagina. The midwife quickly tied red ribbon around it, so as to mark him as firstborn. But then he stuck his hand back in! The other non-marked child was the actual firstborn!

That is why the eldest was named Perez, which means "Ultimate Winner."

And the red ribbon-wearing youngest was named Zerah, which means "Too Slow, Sucker."

 **Genesis 39**

We return to our captive hero. How will he escape his fate?

Joseph's Egyptian master grew to favor him with an uncommon zeal for a master to a slave. It turns out Joseph was unlocking hidden magical forces within him that were placed there by the Boss. Joseph was adept in emotional magics. He walked with an aura that made everyone near him fall in love. Joseph fed off their feelings, growing stronger. He was an emotional vampire, and he had no control.

But a well-liked slave is still a slave.

One day Joseph was found running without a shirt. The master's wife told a frightful tale. "He attacked me! He was wearing no shirt. I managed to call for help and he ran away." Joseph told a very different story. "Your wife is mad! S _he_ attacked _me_! Ripped my shirt right off! You know me, I'm a good guy."

The authorities nodded at this. "He is a good guy."

They discussed the common laws for dealing with such unfortunate incidents.

"Should he pay a reasonable fee to the husband?"

"He's a slave."

"Ah. Then perhaps a few days in prison?"

But the wife was not having it. "Oh, a few _days_! Why so cruel? Give him a new shirt and a hug while you're at it."

"We can't go around punishing all our slaves on hearsay. It just doesn't work that way." They listened to the wife's biting sarcasm for a couple more minutes before continuing, "this is all getting out of hand and taking far too long. Why don't we ask Joseph what _he_ thinks."

Joseph decided he might enjoy prison more than slavery, so he asked for a couple years.

He was completely misinformed about the state of Egyptian prisons.

 **Genesis 40**

Joseph shared a cramped cell with the Pharaoh's butler and his cook. The butler had been caught masturbating to an idol of the mother-goddess when he should have been ironing. As for the cook, he merely had a horrible personality.

Attracted by his aura, they confided in Joseph as if he was a close friend. The butler spoke, "I... had a strange dream last night, you know? It really just, I don't know, would you care to listen?"

Joseph nodded.

"Well you see, I—" his faced turned beet red. "I dreamed of a beautiful woman, you see, and—she had full grapes and they leaked wine and—and I fed it to our beloved Pharaoh! What does it mean, what does it mean?"

Joseph was unworldly and did not know what to say, but The Amazing Supergod whispered to him causing his eardrums to bleed. "Why do you humans care about such stupid stuff, always moping and whining? What does any of it matter?"

"Where have you been, Boss?"

"Don't question me! But since I'm merciful I'll tell you. I've been training. I've got some new divination charms worth trying out, and I've almost managed to open My fourth eye. Do you even begin to understand what I'm saying? Of course not. But hold on! This gives Me a spectacular idea! I'll tell you his future and you can 'interpret' his dreams! I'm thinking if you are known for such power we can get you out of here, no problem."

Joseph relayed what Supergod told him, trying not to throw up, for the presence of Supergod was frightening. "Boss says you'll be released in three days. You're loved out there, almost as much as me. They can't do without their butler."

The butler smiled and wiped tears from his eyes.

The cook laughed and coughed up yellow bile. "If this pervert is so blessed then what about me, huh? I had a dream, too. I was carrying bread on my head and, uh, I think I saw a bird?"

Joseph responded with Supergod's words. "Oh dear—uh—you will die. The king has planned to kill you on, um, on his birthday? He's going to stick your head on a pole as part of the festivities and, uh... okay... birds will eat your eyeballs and... do I really have to say it? Okay, okay! Everyone hates you and no one will miss you."

It was hard to believe but it all happened just as Joseph said!

While the butler was leaving the cell Joseph cried out, "don't forget me please, I'm begging you ! I was sold into captivity falsely. I'm from a rich family! Please tell our beloved Pharaoh the truth!"

The butler shook his head sadly. All the criminals spun such tall tales.

 **Genesis 41**

Two years passed. Joseph grew thin and weak, wasting away in jail. Even his aura dimmed, so that only dimwits were enthralled.

Feeling impatient, The Amazing Supergod gave the Pharaoh terrible nightmares. The ruler of Egypt sought out his best demonologists, warlocks and wizards. From the Nine Schools of the Nile, they came. But none could explain to the king what his dreams meant. Excuses of all sorts were made.

"I'm just a modest watermancer, my lord. If perhaps my lord desired water-based party tricks?"

"It doesn't really work that way. I can only understand the dreams of dwarfs on the third night of winter."

"I'm a little busy fighting dragons but, you know... I'm sure I'll get to your nightmares when I can. I'll be in touch, okay?"

"I simply don't waste my time on the practical arts of magic when so much theory remains to be discovered."

The Pharaoh was not happy. "Bah! Fools, all of you! It must mean something! I see skinny cows eating fat cows and grain roasted by hot eastern wind! Someone must know the answer."

His trusted butler spoke up. "Beloved Pharaoh, I have a solution."

So it was that Joseph said to the Pharaoh, "this country is in trouble! For seven years the whole world will be endowed by Supergod with great harvests. Everyone will grow fat and happy. But seven years after that, the world will be struck with Supergod's devastating famine, and you'll all starve!"

"Such wondrous harvest spellcraft, unbelievable! What do we do, wise one?" Joseph's aura was back in full effect and the Pharaoh could not stop gaping.

"You must put someone in charge, someone who will ensure enough food is stored during the fat years. Then you'll be prepared during the famine and come out on top of other foolish nations!"

"Ha, yes! Wonderful! But who will be in charge... Who could... Of course! You, Joseph." The aura was so strong, the Pharaoh nearly caught on fire. "You will be governor of Egypt, second only to me!"

Everyone in the palace was ecstatic, drunk on aura. That's how an unknown slave seized power.

Joseph was given gems and jewels, fine clothes and even, as per his request, a sweater to rival the one he had lost. On the front studded diamonds read, "Pharaoh's Boy."

During the seven years of plenty, Joseph took a gorgeous wife and raised a family, all the while making sure grain was stored for the future. When he wasn't working he loved to ride his chariot through town and shout, "get out of the way, the governor's coming through!"

When the seven years of starvation started, all the peoples of the world had to come to beg Joseph for grain.

Well, that's not true. They could always choose to starve.

 **Genesis 42**

Joseph was fully decked out in splendor, with all the wealth of Egypt behind him, when his brothers came to ask for food. They didn't even recognize him!

"But where is Benjamin, 'Son of My Love,' my youngest brother?" thought Joseph. "They must have left him behind, fearing he wasn't old enough for a trip to Egypt."

This complicated Joseph's plans for a satisfying comeuppance so he needed to change tact.

"Spies!" he cried. "These ten here, they are all Canaanite spies! Seize them!"

"Does he mean us?" "Who's he calling _Canaanite?_ " "Why are those guards looking so angry?" "Run, you idiots!" "It can't be us, relax." "I'm out!" "Coward." "I knew I shouldn't have married a Canaanite! Maybe she's the spy!" "I'm freaking out, guys!" "Hey, any of you notice there's some kind of commotion going on?"

They were easily captured.

Joseph questioned them intensively, asking many personal questions. "Please, we only come to beg for food. We are ten of the eleven sons of Jacob, the famous rich man who communes with a powerful god!"

"Ha, that is easy to prove. I'll hold onto one of you dirty Canaanite spies while you go bring back your supposed 'brother!'"

Joseph had Levi the butcher tied up and thrown in jail, the very cell Joseph had once called home. Then he sent the rest home with grain. Secretly he also returned the money they had paid, telling his slaves to hide it at the bottom of their sacks. "I won't steal from my father," he thought.

When the sons returned to their father Jacob and realized they still had their money, they were mightily confused. Jacob demanded to know what the hell had gone on! They told him the story and he turned ghost white. "I won't let you take Benjamin, he looks so much like his mother! I've lost enough, haven't I?"

 **Genesis 43**

The grain they had brought back from Egypt wouldn't last long. They'd soon be hungry again. Gentle and raunchy Reuben, master herbalist, tried to convince his father first. "Dad, listen, if Benjamin doesn't return from this trip then I swear I'll kill my own two sons with my own hands!"

"You slept with my lover, you ungrateful little shit. I'm not surprised you'd make such an insane suggestion. Get out of my sight!"

So Judah tried next. "Listen, pops, it has to be done, okay? I know what it's like to lose a son, I've lost two already... We'll all lose more if you don't let him go."

Jacob was convinced but was doting incessantly. "Take extra money, enough to make up for what was accidentally placed in our bags, oh and take those nice walnuts and pistachios. Make sure you bribe this crazy governor well!"

The brothers returned to Egypt and were surprised to find themselves treated cordially. They were invited to dinner with the Governor. Levi was even released from jail to join. They were terrified, thinking themselves trapped. "Please, sir, it sounds absurd but last time we tried to pay.. we found the money in our sacks. Forgive us, we have brought double."

But the governor had a twinkle in his eye. "Must have been that god you worship using alchemist potions or something because I have every cent of what you paid me!"

The brothers were astounded. "Why didn't Supergod tell us?"

Joseph turned to the youngest, Benjamin. "You... you are so beautiful, so young, you can't be blamed if you joined your brothers in sin... Excuse me, I must go—go to the washroom." And he got up. The brothers waited awkwardly, pretending they couldn't hear the governor crying in the other room.

They had as good a time as they could, given the odd circumstances.

 **Genesis 44**

Joseph took one of his most prized talismans, a magical silver chalice crafted by a powerful divination expert who lived in the mountains. The cup allowed him to see faint impressions of the future, but at the cost of never being able to affect what was seen. Joseph took this precious cup and told his slaves to put it in Benjamin's sack of grain.

As the brothers were about to leave, the governor had them seized. "Stop, thief! One of you has stolen my chalice of divination. You will rue the day!"

The brothers were flabbergasted. "Search us if you must!" They were even more surprised when the cup was found in Benjamin's bag.

"He will have to stay here! He will be, uh... my slave," said the governor, with an odd smile on his face.

The brothers tore their clothes in anguish. Judah spoke up. "Please man, listen. This is nuts. Listen, I know you're like the big shot around here but please understand, my father, he... he's lost a lot. Benjamin is the last son of his favorite wife, and the other... the other was eaten by wolves, and honestly sir, if we return without Benjamin, I don't think the old man will make it!"

 **Genesis 45**

Joseph burst into tears and had to tell his slaves to get lost. He confessed everything. "But I forgive you guys, I do. Listen, it's all worked out. I'm the only one who prepared for Supergod's famine. I've got all the best clothes and everything else we'll ever need. Come, go get dad over here. Forget living like kings in Canaan. We can live like gods in Egypt!"

The magical aura and the promises of riches caused every other man to burst into tears. Much hugging was done, and the family was for once made whole. "We shouldn't fight. We are better together! The super family must stick together."

 **Genesis 46**

When Jacob heard the news he was especially touched. "I'll go see Joseph in Egypt and then I'll die a happy man."

Jacob traveled to Egypt, enduring the usual nightmare visions. He wasn't deterred, and rested as little as possible, eager to see his beloved son.

Words cannot describe the joy he felt. He felt his soul was complete again.

 **Genesis 47**

Joseph took his brothers to see the Pharaoh and told them his game plan. "Tell them you're prodigious shepherds, blessed with Nature Sense like our father. The Egyptians hate shepherds. They think its womanly work, so they are in desperate need of qualified hands. He'll give you great land for this."

So it was that Joseph set up the super family well.

The famine was still raging and Joseph was raking it in. Soon everyone in Egypt was dirt poor. "Please, Joseph," they whined, "you have all our money. Please give us some more food."

"No money, no food, although... I could use some animals."

Sheep, goats, donkeys, horses, camels—people brought it all, desperate for Joseph's grain. He ended up with the largest collection of farm animals ever assembled. "And to think it's all legal!" gloated the governor.

When they ran out of animals he told them to give up all their land rights. All land now belonged to the Pharaoh. All men were virtually his slaves and they thanked Joseph for the opportunity.

Only the magic users were able to maintain some semblance of dignity. "You might be a great wizard, _governor,_ but you are only one man! The Pharaoh will always be in need of our forbidden knowledge. We will not be slaves!"

But everyone else now had to give a fifth of their produce to the state. Jacob was unnerved by this development, especially when his beloved brought it about. He said to Joseph, "please don't let me be buried here... This place creeps me out."

Joseph put his hand under his father's thigh, near the testicles, and swore he would do so. "Would 'Daddy's Boy' ever let you down?"

 **Genesis 48**

Jacob was dying, and asked to see Joseph's children. "To think I thought my favorite son dead and now I see his own kids! I love them, even if they did spring from an Egyptian bitch."

Joseph prepared his children to receive a blessing, putting his older on the right hand side and his younger on the left. Everyone knew the right hand was better for pre-death blessings than the left.

But Jacob crossed his arms! He put his left hand on the elder and his right hand on the younger!

"Why did you do this? Are you senile?"

"Don't speak down to me, boy," said Jacob, his voice sounding like the grating of knives. "I have seen many things on my death bed and this I know. Your elder is not so bad. He will sire a great nation. But your youngest, oh my! He will sire multiple great nations! He deserves the better blessing!"

Joseph could only bite his tongue and take it. Blessings didn't really matter much anyway.

 **Genesis 49**

Close to death, Jacob could see into the unseen cracks and was spilling over with raw magic. He began floating, and his head turned around and around on his neck! "Come forward, my twelve sons, and listen to my last words! You will each sire a great nation within a great nation... A tribe. The twelve super tribes of the super nation of Israel!"

One by one he called his children forward and spoke his piece.

"Reuben, though you are gentle and though you are a master herbalist, you are a disgusting bastard. You slept with my concubine and I'll never forget, even after death!"

"Levi you are a butcher. I'll never forget how you led the charge against the town of the poet Schechem, prince of the Hivites. You and yours are cursed!"

"Simeon, don't shy away from my gaze, I know you were right behind Levi! Curse you, too."

"Judah, you are an accomplished man, rich and not afraid to show it. You'll do all right for yourself, my boy."

"Zebulun... Ah... Zebulun, you are a great sailor indeed."

"Issachar, my one and only Issachar, you... try not to give into sloth, okay? I don't want you ending up a bum."

"And, let's see... Dan! Dan, where are you? You're always judging others. Perhaps tone it down a bit."

"Gad... Yes... Keep up the soldiering, boy."

"And then of course, let's not forget Asher. You'll always find your way to dainty luxuries, I have no doubt."

"Joseph! Oh Joseph, my beloved, you warm my heart even in these dark times. You are Supergod's chosen among the chosen, a terrible burden, but I know you'll bear well. I can trust you to look after the rest of your brothers. I can die in peace thanks to you."

"Naptali... um, I love you, too."

"Benjamin... my youngest... there is so much to learn. The world is harsh, especially for us. You have made mistakes but know that so did I, so did we all. Trust your heart, your mother's heart. It'll steer you right in the end."

Jacob convulsed and an astral form drifted away from his cold body.

 **Genesis 50**

The death was met with a decree for seventy days of mourning in Egypt. Joseph made sure that even the highest officials in the palace paid their respects.

His brothers, meanwhile, were fearful that Joseph might still harbor ill will. They gathered around him and bowed down. "We are slaves to the great dream interpreter!"

Joseph cried and got them to stand up. "It all worked out in the end, fools. I told you. It all worked out in the end."

Watching over these events, hundreds of miles away, an old woman smiled. "They will become slaves, I will make sure of it. Let's see Supergod deal with that!"

She was not the only eavesdropper. Satan too listened in. He was not smiling. "Are the rumors true? He has opened his fourth eye?" A fat demon covered in bile and vomit responded to Satan's query. "Yes, master."

"This cannot end well." Satan closed his eyes, focusing inward. "Leave me. Give me some peace for a century or two. I must think. This is no time for rash judgments."

When Joseph died he was mummified so that his body could one day be taken out of Egypt. His mummy still leaks a terrifying aura of attraction to this day, leading many to seek its location. They waste away decades of their lives, never satisfying the desire that they can't put into words.


End file.
